A Blessing in Disguise

How boring it must be to stride through life shielded by rock solid confidence, ultimately poised and comfortable everywhere and with everyone. Never to taste the zesty tang of self-doubt or the earthier more full bodied bitterness of self-loathing? How dull! I am, most fortunately, not one of these sad, colorless people. I am a quintessential specimen of the other type. The never quite comfortable Anywhere type. A Paragon of Anxiety. An Unparalleled Champion of Second-Guessing. Trumpet Fanfare: It’s Worry Woman!

My old boss Neal is one of the confident people. He’s unshakably sure of every decision he makes and able to feel comfortable interacting with all manner of folks from corporate CEOs to rock band roadies. He can tell you one day that the sky is orange and the next that it’s purple without ever feeling the need to rationalize such a radical change or probably even registering that it Is a change. Poor guy… How on earth does he fill up the time he’s not spending rethinking everything he does?!

Now a life full of self-doubt… That’s exciting! A true pro like myself can wring drama out of the most innocuous of situations. Take this example: Recently I was amiably chatting with one of my dearest friends and she made a casual comment about my quirkiness. (Quirkiness? ME?!) It was actually meant as a compliment and a less talented neurotic wouldn’t have given it a second thought. Planted in the fertile ground of my neuroses, however, it lead me to think that she probably has just been putting up with me all these years and only asked me to stand up at her wedding out of sympathy and do you remember that embarrassing thing that happened during the reception? I bet she hates me for ruining her reception! How could I have not realized it before?! I probably should just not e-mail her or call ever again and save her the trouble of kicking me to the curb...

I know your might be skeptical that I am That good but I swear I actually thought all that before realizing that I was probably being a Wee bit ummm… What’s the word? Crazy? Yes, that’s it. Crazy. With a little Quirky thrown in for good measure.

If my best friends can cause me to despair in casual conversation, just imagine the majestic and craggy peaks of paranoia I ascended in preparation for the announcement that I was moving. Can you picture me walking quaking into Neal’s office to tell him that after 9 years I was going to be abandoning him? I was petrified! I had girded my proverbial loins for some sort of negative outburst, some painful interaction of some kind, only to be greeted by an exclamation of happiness and a hug! I could not have been more shocked. Then one by one I went to all my closest co-workers and everywhere I found the response was the same: Honest happiness for me mixed with an acknowledgement of sadness and loss for the office. It was a mind-blowing experience. Where was the anger? The incrimination?! Hello people, I’m abandoning you…

And all my friends at church were so kind. People I thought I barely knew invited me out to lunch to say goodbye. People refused in jest to acknowledge that I was leaving because they would miss me too much. Our pastor led an impromptu laying on of hands and sending forth by the entire congregation my last Sunday at church. Everywhere, everywhere so much love and happiness for me, excitement and sadness and support.

All this for Me? It made me nervous…

And it’s not over even though the move is now in the past. People are, much to my amazement, Keeping In Touch! There has also been a great outpouring of welcome from Dan’s friends and family here too. (And they never even mention what a bad person I am for having broken up with him!) I have been so unnerved and gratified by how excited they all have been for me to be down here. The offers to spend time together, the really great conversations and e-mails are all so affirming. I feel that they are all my friends now too, not just Dan’s friends and family humoring me.

This feeling of acceptance really hit home the other day when I was at a late night improv show of Dan’s. His teammate Jeffrey apologized that his boyfriend had been too tired to come. I laughed and said that I couldn’t imagine James would come all the way out to the show just to see Me. Jeffrey responded to my disbelief quite indignantly, “We Love you!” I was so touched…

I’m not sure that I’m ready to hang up Worry Woman’s lasso of “What did they mean by that?” or her bracelets of "Did I just totally put my foot in it?" just yet… but maybe it’s worth giving confidence a try. Just for a little while. I can always go back to my exciting life of doubt if things get too boring...

Sometimes, I guess, it takes turning your world on its ear and shaking it to see just how much you are loved. How many lives you have unwittingly touched. Thanks to each and every one of you for teaching me this humbling lesson. I hope I will take it to heart and remember it well the next time I decide that:

Nobody likes me, everybody hates me
I'm goin' down the garden to eat worms
Long thin slimy ones, short fat fuzzy ones
Ooey gooey, ooey gooey worms!

Silly me.